A While Later

Hello Blogary,

Its been quite a while since i've written to you, and similarly long since I've written and read general. I miss it, I know that, I can feel it in my bones, in my body, in my blood. I feel out practice with it, out of sorts if you will, but in sorts in my personal life for the first time in quite a while. Not in terms of my eating disorder, but that is the best its ever been when considering this last, so I guess in terms of my eating disorder. But also, in terms of love. I've met this girl, this inspiring girl who uses me to live in the ways I don/t know ow. Who sees life, assesses its boundaries, its rules, propositions against her, and walks right past them, right them, and into a land of her own. In a way, i feel a bit like im dreaming. How could a woman so amazing want to be with me? I do and have felt myself lost a bit tho, Im taking a semester off meaning I will probably be applying to transfer to a uc in another year, though I do want to apply to private schools in 2021. I guess him in love, im learning all that a relationship requires and demands of a person, and I continually find myself surprised, afraid, and growing. In a way, this is the happiest I've ever been, though it also the most selfless, and not in all the positive ways. IN the fist month of seeing eachtoher, I fully sacrificed all personal aspects that somehow conflicted with her and I and srunk down myself in order to meet the desires of her, and therefore maintain her enchanting anormity. Things I would not have even questioned altering, modifying, or leaving behind had I never met her and entered into this relationship. In the first month, I also found myself falling into my mother's married silhouette of passivity, where my existence remains solely for my partners. To build them up, to push them, to comfort them, to love them. My tendency towards smallness in the face of my own love and infatuation terrifies me because I know love is what I tell myself to choose, but at what cost? I struggled with this in the first month, not losing myself, but rather forgetting her, and consciously lessening my tending to her in order to allow me to tend to the needs of somebody else. A decision not introuduced to me by my partner, but rather one I came upon and decided on myself. Though, I now feel myself moving away from this shell, shedding its encrusted and dated skin, and embracing the aura of nudity and honesty and care and vulnerability and recognition of self worth in a partnership. Slowly, I feel myself stepping into a new silhouette, one I've never personally seen inhabited, nor have I individually existed within. Slowly, though daily, I'm growing, learning how to love, how to care, how to be there. Learning the value in people, seeing the value in people, being shown the value in people. She's teaching me so much, lessons she effortlessly holds, lessons I feel thirsty to learn. I have been dehydrated for so long. I had been dehydrated for so long. And i am no longer in the desert.