An Update

3:55 am

sunday

may 5 2019

I've come to realize there is no better way to start my than sitting in coffee table chair, writing to you. While we have never met, and you and I know nothing about each other in the real world, I feel grateful to connect with you through anonymity.

And selfishly, I will admit, I enjoy the feeling. It's cathartic to release all of my pent up thoughts that the former day and the dreams of sleep created before this moment. It makes everything feel a little more okay.

But what's going on in my life? Well here's some updates:

Have you ever seen freaks and geeks? It's one of my favorite shows, and mostly because I don't think I have ever connected with a character in the same way that I connect with Linsey Weir. I often think about the episode where she goes to sleepover at Millie's house, and leaves early because "it's just not where [she's] at anymore." There is no line from any film or movie that I have not only remembered, but related to more, and because it is the state of experience I often feel when with my group of friends. When with them, I see my past self. The person who enjoyed partying, clothes, and social events more than she enjoyed academia, books, and writing. Maybe more than she enjoyed is the wrong way to put it. Rather, who I was before I had the courage to openly enjoy academia, books, and writing. Before I had the courage to be authentic to myself, and fearlessly voice who I am.

I am in a place in my life that I never before was able to come to, because I never before had the courage to be myself. But what I didn't expect about being true to who i was was that it would isolate me from the people I became close with through not being true to myself. This is a dilemma I got mixed up in all on my own, but a problem I could not have avoided for I am young and how the hell was I supposed to know who I was at fourteen when we all first met? I feel grateful for being apart of a group of friends I no longer relate to because now I know who I do relate to, and with knowing who I am, I am excited for college and the new excitement that will come with discovering those similar to me.

I'm applying to an internship to the LA Times today, and I am really very excited. I'm wondering if I should talk about this blog. Do I really want to out myself? I guess only today's writing will tell.

My grandma is in the hospital again, and apparently she's addicted to drugs and alcohol. Dad says it's because the pain of losing her two daughters was simply too much. Life can be so hard on us. How can we blame her for wanting to escape?

I have my AP Lit exam this week, and I still have not studied, though I intend to begin today. I'm just going to print out four practice tests, and take one everyday leading up to the exam.

I had a really productive day yesterday. I went to a new coffee shop called Hellenback's yesterday to study and work, and the shop was really so cute. There were only three people at most in there at one time, and it felt very easy to get things done.

I know this has been really very jumpy and probably hard to follow but I just had to update you on all of the things. I realize it may seem arrogant to assume that you are curious about my life, and I don't write because I think you are interested to read about my life. I write because I feel it is my duty to. If you are curious why, I recommend reading A Room of ONe's Own by Virginia Woolf. I think that may help you understand me a little bit more.

Well anyways, I've got to get started on my application. Also new exciting things:

I joined the journalism program at the college I will be attending in the fall so I will be writing for the school newspaper which I am more than super excited about. I want to transfer to Stanford.

Wish me luck :)

BYEEEEEEE