August 27, 2024, from the ethers
- Aug 27, 2024
- 2 min read
Dear Shwirly,
A lot has changed, is changing, is going to change, is uncertain, is permeable, is fragmenting, is blurred. ____ and I have been broken up for almost one month. It’s a strange feeling, but in many ways feels like the right choice, and the days I have my doubts are the days that I remember the year and a half I spent considering the prospect. The unconscious movements, the backs and forths. Anyways, she has moved into a room in a house, and it is not working out so far. There is a woman who is mentally ill who is harassing her that lives there, and last night I had to come by to rescue her from the house. The woman is supposed to be moved out by September 1, but it is unlikely this will happen, and so she is staying with me until it is confirmed the woman has gone. I care so much about her its crazy. But there are certain things that when I am truly honest with myself, know she doesn’t value, things that are so sacred to me, part of me to a point that they are me more than this version of myself I become through denying them. For instance, a depth in art. That is it for one. Another, school I guess, or intellectual exploration through creative inquiry. Its abstract things, I guess more a way of thinking and seeing the world than any concrete opinion or idea. Another, dance. Something so sacred to me, part of me, is me in many ways. Thinness. Shallow, I know. But intertwined with health and dance. Now the next, class in some way influences this and its sad, but hygiene. Last, I think I may not be a lesbian, I just don’t know. I don’t want to have sex with her, this is the truth. Anyways, I’m in the process of reconnecting with myself, and the degree to which I am capable of self-denial within a relationship scares me a lot. I don’t think I realized just how vastly I’d lost myself. For me right now, that is physically looking like getting back in shape, mentally re-meeting myself, through creativity, through solitude, through the quiet reflections, interior motions, silent epiphanies, recognition for death, daily gratitude for life. Through movement. I graduate in a few weeks. Sending love in this season of change.
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