Parent Relationships & Fear of Food

Dear blogary,

I feel afraid of two things right now. Two things that are hurting me the more that I fear them, but also two things that have helped me. Now let me explain. Well, I guess its three things actually. Okay, the first thing has to do with in person classes. Over the course of this last year, I’ve really broken down my own inner trust. Further, I’ve broken down an internal confidence/belief in myself to do the things I need to do, something I didn’t ever consider losing. Now, losing is not the correct word because I do think that it is something still inside of me, I am just unsure if I can access it, afraid to try because I’m afraid to fail. And when I’m talking about in person classes, school, and essentially my future, this prospect of trying feels worse than simply sitting comfortably within my cocooned warmth of the known. Secondly, I am afraid of going to see parents, both at the office and at their house, because of food. This fear of food, of entering into a dark place in a location I have experienced many hard things, is terrifying to me. Sometimes I just wish I could live separate from the world, in a home of my own creation, and never be thought of or bothered by the people who have been biologically forced to care about me. Now, that’s harsh, I know, but sometimes it just feels strange to base family on biology when the people I’ve been the most biologically disconnected from are the same people that feel closer to family to me than my parents ever have. Thirdly, having food in the house is something I should try doing, or simply eating healthier. I don’t know, I like eating out, and I can do it on a budget. These two things are my main issues, but yeah, that’s where I’m at. I’m not completely sure what to do, but that’s okay. Its okay to feel afraid, right?