Dying Everywhere All The Time, July 28th

Dear shwirly

I have been feeling very emotional these past two days, and to be honest I had a bad week. I felt like the past month was so good. I was feeling so comfortable in my body, so joyful about the future, so out of love, so liberated. This week was hard. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the house, and caring for myself felt like a chore. I felt so stagnant, and my eczema worsened. She found an apartment to live in. She will be moving out, by august first. I will be living alone for the first time in a long time. I believe this is what I want, and after so so so so so so so much contemplation on it I made this choice and had these conversations, but for some reason it still feels so scary. So unknown. Like, what if I do love her? What if I do want to be with her? I don’t know if we should be calling this a break or a breakup, as we have been cuddling and kissing just the same. Its just that I don’t want to have sex. I don’t. This wont change. Does this diminish the romantic feelings I have for her if I don’t want to have sex? Am I even bi? I know I have these impulses to be promiscuous and have to honor that part of myself, but the other part of myself is wholesome and in love. I feel confused by everything and don’t know what I want and its so scary. I think living alone will be nice. I’m looking forward to dance and figure skating again. This is important to me. I’m thinking about working on my jewelry project again. I graduate after the summer. I am still in love with her? But I also haven’t been treated poorly recently, at least not to the extent. Maybe I just don’t want to live together but still love her? Maybe I want an open relationship and don’t want to live together but still love her and want to be hers? Maybe I am afraid of being a lesbian because I am trying to rebuild my relationship with people who have bias towards people who are gay. Maybe I just want to be normal some days, and want to be myself somedays and maybe I will never know and I just have to make choices and move and be okay with the fact that it wont always feel right. I hope I have a better week this week. Sunday is the first day of the week. It is beginning to feel okay. I miss myself, that is for certain.

Sending love,