Having Loved

4:52 am

april 20, 2019

saturday

Hello blogary,

I stayed up late last night crying for a love no longer present. A love that knew nothing more than friendship, yet transcended the boundaries of that ten letter word, for when the goodness of eachtoher could no longer blur ugliness from sight, our relationship became abusive, and I distanced myself from them.

A man named Oscar Wilde believes that love can coexist exclusive of physical intimacy, and I agree, for it would be sacrilegious to deny our relationship the reality of its love.

Yesterday I watched the documentary Cutie and The Boxer, and not only did it force me to acknowledge that our relationship was in fact love, but it also showed me the pit filled depths of it, for no matter how far the people that we love go to break us, we keep them in our lives, for the pain is worth the love.

The film is centered on two Japanese artists from New York, Noriko and Ushio, and while it focuses on their art, it also focuses their love. It touches on Orishomo's alcoholism, and the effect his addiction has had on their son, and how his abuse often left Noriko feeling broken; a brokenness she would undoubtedly relive.

During the film Ushio goes to Japan, and Niroko talks about how the air seems to clear when Ushio is away. I wondered about this, for this clear-aired existence has been my life for a long time. And while such serenity is the ideal, the goal, the ultimatum of humanity, in high doses, it proves to leave one unfulfilled, for my life encompasses all the tranquility of structure, yet lacks all the disorder that is meaningful to life. Narukomo and Orishomo have so many stories, and while their lives has been painful, because they had eachtoher, they never stopped living them.

So this led me to a question: Was the abuse worth enduring for the continuum of life that love pushed them through? And did I make the wrong choice by extracting love from mine? For I too would relive it all in a heartbeat, and endure the abuse over and over again for the love.

And while I can't know if the decisions I make in these ever-evaporating moments are the right ones, I know that I will never cease in making them, for an end to choice is a freezing of the pendulum.