July 8, 2024

Dear Shwirly,

I broke up with the girl I love. The apartment we live in has been quite hectic. When we first moved in, many of the rentals were empty and it was a quiet, quiant complex. At this point, all the apartments are filled and many of the people in them seem emotionally unstable. These apartments are interesting, and likely to breed this type of crowd honestly because much of them are studios, and living in small spaces can hurt people. Anyways, I'd been sitting all night, tyring to bring up the courage to talk about it but couldnt, and when she expresed how she was hungry, I offered to drive her to McDonalds to buy her a big mac. I knew ths would be an easier environment for me to talk about all of this, and after we parked to eat, I brought it up. It didn't feel as hard as I thought it would, I think because of all the conversations we had been having prior to this. It wasn't a surprise, and I liked that. The thing that scared me the most about all of this is the prospective harm, pain and shock that I know breakups can often bring. I didn't want this pain because I love her. I just can't be sexually intimate with her anymore. That is okay. Love can't die. I know that. Anyways, I expressed how I felt I had to do this, not becasue I want to. She agreed, was receptive, and we both cried. She couldn't hug me even though I wanted to. We got together during the pandemic, and its in intersting thing to fall in love, and stay in love as you both reemerge into the world. Its a difficult thing to do, especially when your so young and haven't got any thing figured out, no matter how much you've decieved yourself into thinking that you do. I wonder if we know eachother better than we would have, and if the closeness we feel is some sort of familial familiarity that isn't possible to build without such an environmental isolation enforced upon two people. Anyways, love is colorful, and I still feel it. We talked and went to bed together that night, we didn't hug but I knew love was still there. I hope we can stay close and that everything turns out okay. I've thought about this for a year and that's how long it took me to understand it was the right thing to do. Sending love and hope your way.

On another note, two boys have reached out from my past. Trying not to get attatched. Will keep you updated but have no expectations. Love and desire and attraction and loneliness and feelings and emotions and catharsis is all hard. Love is love is love is love is love.

always yours,

-L