Lunius & June

Dear Diary,

Once again, I am struggling with my body. I am waiting on approval of transcripts, and almost feel as if I can’t care for myself, be there for myself or practice mere self-care without feeling this unknowingness so heavily. I’m learning I need books, I need writing, I need literature. I’ve pushed writing away for a very long time, blaming it as the source of my dubious mind, my social difference. But I have also found it to bring me the highest level of inner peace. Through writing, I find liberation, I find myself and I feel as though I am contributing to the one thing I am meant to do. I remember listening to a podcast speaking about writing, and the author retorted how writers don’t feel as though they have a choice. Moreso, writing chooses you, it picks you, it seeks you. I am slowly allowing myself to move across the keyword, to pick up a pen and to scan my eyes across the textured world of a novel. In terms of updates about my life, I got covid, I went to joshua tree, my love started school, I got into UCLA, I’m struggling with my body and struggling to get back into exercise. I’m not dancing and wish that I was. I’m not figure skating and wish that I was. I haven’t celebrated fathers day yet and wish that I have, but am working on it and will get there. I haven’t felt much like myself lately without exercise, and feeling like myself is all that I want. I’m applying for internships, applying to volunteer, looking for some way to spend my time. Feeling a bit stir crazy, but also feeling very grateful. I miss Santa Monica, but it’s not entirely true. I miss routine, structure, and the illusion of security. What I have here is newness, social involvement, spontaneity, and in essence, life.

I will write to you soon, more often than later

With love,

Shwirly