October Thoughts

Dear Blogary,

I feel at odds with many things in my life right now, unsure about unknowns, possibilities and overall, I am drowning in an overwhelming sense of what to do. I feel unsure about technology, business, analytics, writing, cats, the evolution of relationships, and friendship.

I want to begin by telling you how I am unsure whether I should write from this laptop, or my older mac. The older mac for certain instills me with a feeling of lower stress, while this one, in my head, allows for a less thoughtful form of writing. Though, I am beginning to believe this is untrue, as it maybe allows me to enter into a state of flow from the get-go instead of later on, and is therefore quicker and feels reflective, but maybe isn’t. I think this week I will only rely on this computer, and I will let you know how it all goes.

Another thing about technology that I want to touch on is that I am thinking about getting a new phone, an older version of it. Though what I am also beginning to realize, is that these attempts to reclaim products of the past are merely internal attempts to reclaim a type of life experience I once had. For example, I got the older computer after this computer because I felt it was making me anxious, but in many ways I now just think that it has overcomplicated my life. In the past, this computer would have made be annoyed, as I don’t like to watch videos on it, so I would put it in the car and do something non-technologically creative instead. Though, because I can now spend my free time watching videos on the older one because it makes me anxious, I’m not spending as much time on other creative activities that extend beyond ring making, and I would like to get back to that.

Next, I want to talk about ring making, and jewelry in general. So, ____ and I decided to begin On thew Fence, our jewelry business. As I think I am with most things, I am an all-in, intensely devout person who puts their all into that which I care about. Though, doing it with On the Fence hurt me due to Instagram, and freaked me out and made me anxious. So, ___ and I decided to change this and to instead have her be in charge of the Instagram. I guess I felt like she was on her phone so much more, and I guess I was beginning to fear that she would see me through this lens of Instagram, this restrictive, socially informed perspective that it felt like she shed sometime into our relationship, and began to fully see me as I was. I feel like the more she uses it, the more her perception of me becomes distorted, and the less I feel fully seen in my relationship as a result. Though, I worry that this is not reality and is just fear. I know that living one’s life in fear is no way to live at all, as it is the source of so much bad in this world, and I don’t want to take any part in that. One more thing to add about the jewelry business is that I feel stuck, unsure of what to do, as I don’t necessarily want to have a business relationship with her, but I also can’t imagine myself not spending all my days with her. I felt like the solution was to work from home, as this is something that I do want, as I simply just want to be in her company.

In terms of analytics, I am back in school again, and am re-figuring out my schedule all over again. I think that school makes me a more judgmental, impatient and analytic person, and I don’t like this about myself. I took yesterday off and felt like myself again, and so I think it is strange how that works.

Also, I think it is important for me to write everyday, but I don’t want it to interfere with my school schedule. I spent the first six months of this year writing every morning, and I think my mind was clearer and my mental health was better. Writing is therapy for me. It is how I process my emotions and am able to arrive at a place of self-understanding. It is as vital to me as breathing.

Yesterday night, ___ and I talked about my past highs school self, and honestly, while she has voiced that she would like to know the fun, party candace who is stylish and fashionable, it is just not me. While the bad part of my brain can default to, this means she doesn’t love me as I am, I know this is simply just not true at all. She also said that if it’s not something that I ant then I shouldn’t do it, which further shows that I am loved as I am, and that brings me joy. After reflecting on this toxic thought for a short while, I began to feel grateful for my ability to stay true to myself and the immense importance of finding oneself before entering into a relationship. If I had been in this relationship at 16, 17, or even 18, I don’t think I would have been ready. You need to know yourself before you are in a partnership, because if you don’t, it can become very easy to lose your sense of self. I hate the phrase “self love,” but I don’t know another way to say it. So yes, you have to love yourself before entering into a relationship. I felt comfortable and free on my own, which is what allows me to feel like myself and maintain my identity in my relationship. I see my value, and I don’t feel the need to change it, for I know I am loveable as I am. It’s just important, and something I have been thinking about this morning.

Anyways, I think I do want to do this jewelry business thing. I don’t know if I want to officially tell her, as I think I prefer subtely in this regard. Knowing it does not need to hold such an intensely large role in my life nor relationship while still existing is growing my confidence about it. I’m also thinking a lot about the possibility of eating disorder recovery these days, drinking more water, figure skating again, and friendship. I want you to know that I am happy, and that I never thought happy was really possible. If anyone out there is reading this, and I am pretty confident that nobody is, but in the slight minor chance that you are, I hope you know that joy is possible, and that life will not always feel as painful as it once did. It’s important to stay around and to ride everything through, to just trust your own resilience, and to have faith in the uncontrollable, shifting tide of life.

Thinking about this video a lot: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrr1cDybns0

See you later blogary 🖤