Oh, Cinnamon!

5:20 am

april 19, 2019

monday

Hello Blogary,

Today is a beautiful day! There is an fragrance of cinnamon swirl in the air, and I feel myself sprawled out across life's armchair, voluntarily sniffing at her aroma.

You may be wondering..."Why is she so happy?" Honestly, I just feel good. I had a beautiful day yesterday, and not having a school schedule to stress out about feels like the first breath after drowning.

In total, I figure skated about three hours yesterday, and it was really wonderful. I did tie my skate too tight, so my feet started to hurt during my last hour, but overall, it was worth it. I found our that when I tie my skates tighter, that I skate better; and I am less afraid. I felt more confident going into my jumps, and I felt more controlled over my art form; but I also felt more free. This dichotomy is a paradigm to life in a sense, because it was only when I had control over my own life and knew how to live and who I was that I felt the most free, ad the last caged by society's BS.

I stayed up later than usual yesterday. As I told you, I'm making an effort to be more social, and it has been Oh So wonderfu. I FaceTimed my best friend Strawberry (that's not her real name, but did you really expect me to tell you her real one?). Honestly, whenever she calls, I ignore the call out of sheer laziness. This is a large issue that I have forced myself to not only acknowledge, but fight, and the effect is really life changing. I am always astounded at how much better I feel after facetiming her, and her call deserves to be answered.

Yesterday's call also made me realize the true meaning of friendship and the great power acceptance has on one's life. Strawberry offers me a place to unapologetically be myself, something I had when I was young, yet later on went on to fear. It is a fear I no longer have, but during my younger adolescent days, being myself was a haunted house I feared walking through. By nature I am loud and messy and obnoxious and goofy. These characteristics are not exactly favored by society, and when I came to realize this, I did all that I could to avoid life's house, and rather chose to walk the other way. I stuffed my true self into a box, and buried her at the bottom of myself, for conforming to what was acceptable was much easier than the prospect of judgement having the courage to be myself holds; and my (natural) characteristics not only attract Judgement, but they seduce her.

I didn't have the courage to be myself for a long time all the while I thought I didn't care what other people think of me. Ah, how blind we can be. Nevertheless, I grew, and in courage I found refuge. Once again I finding the courage to be myself, I sank down, below the depths of who I was trying to be an d unlocked the box, setting free the person of who I truly was; a person formerly suffocated, but now revitalized with the freedom to breathe.

Today feels quite beautiful, and through all of this writing, the sweet fragrance of cinnamon seems to persist. I have an appetite for sunlight and picnics, and today I wish to satiate it.

guhdbye