Unplug Me }{ December 22, 2023

Dear Diary,

My life is moving. I’m attempting to take control of my life, attempting to reclaim myself from this demonic entity I will call my disorder. Is quietness a disorder? No. Is quietness induced from a lack of eating, quietness new to a self that formerly talked called a disorder? Yes. I ask people to hangout these days and believe that’s a good shift. I asked __r to hangout and he invited me to a poetry reading with his friend _o. It was raining, I came late, there was music, it was dim, we hung out after, it was nice. They all write. This is new to me, and honestly something I didn’t expect. But I appreciate it, I do, and this new shift is pulling me in. I know I’m still coming into myself, and not completely where I once was, not completely whole, so I appreciate those who embrace me in my transient state. All I hope is that they stick around.

Last was year was extremely suffocating for me. My skin was horrible, my mental health was horrible, my body image was horrible, my life felt horrible. I’m doing so much better this year, but my issue is that in response to that time, I started exercising like a maniac. I did this for two reasons:

1.     My mom did this my whole life so I assumed it was okay and the green path to being okay.

a.     The issue with this is that my mom isn’t okay. My mom was never okay and was always isolated and always quiet, but I almost don’t want to call her not okay because she is and was also always beautiful, and I think she sacrificed this okayness for her beauty and her sadness, both things she viewed as sacred. It was almost like they couldn’t coexist for her, and that informed me. I’m trying to look past this way of living for one’s own self-resolve at all costs, and trying to see this coexistence in other people, but I can’t help but look past the dissolution of this promise in myself.

2.     I wanted to be beautiful

a.     But what I ‘ve learned these past months is that I actually lost my beauty, because I’ve lost my connection to myself. I’ve become a shadow, and that is all. Beauty is in the pixels that shine through, not in the opalescence of a shell. I’m trying to reconnect with this inner beauty. I need to reconnect with it. It’s the only way.

3.     I have a health condition

a.     While I don’t still get eczema as fiercely as I did, I still get hives, and its not great. I thought if I exercised, it would make them go away, especially in the moments where they were at their worst. Thought this would help me escape humiliation. They are much better, its colder these days, so I’m giving myself permission to let go. I can let go.

Unplug me.