With love

Dear blogary,

It has been an immensely long time since I have written to you, and to be honest I am struggling. I am happy in many ways, evolving in many ways, and hurting in others. Since last writing to you my heart has been broken. My heart has been mended. Yet the state of my heart now lives in embrace. I am living in east LA, in a room in Highland Park with my partner. It is my first experience living with roommates, and I feel slightly uncomfortable and shy at times. It’s difficult to reconcile with myself how to be openly and readily un-awkward, around those I barely know really at all. In truth, with them I too want to be embraced. Want to be seen for the inner workings of my character rather than the short, awkward interactions we engage in 2-3 times per week. It hurts because it feels as though this lack of comfortability heavily lies on my end, and is the source of our lack of closeness. I want to be more open, more comfortable, more confident around them, but it is a continual struggle. Before stretching my hands through the doorway and allowing my heart into the kitchen, I am constantly attempting to remind myself that I am safe here, I am not judged here, I am free here. I am trying to treat these people as I would have if I bumped into my mother through the hall, to self-express with this level of comfortability already felt. In other news, I am dancing again and running more in the morning. A part of me hopes to go to art school, to meet others who think the way I view the world. Yet, a part of me feels deeply afraid. I don’t really want to talk about it, but I will for the sake of healing, for the sake of transparency. I’m struggling with food currently. I’ve noticed that mirrors draw out my impulsivity; a habit I developed when my partner moved out in January. I feel my best about my body, and have the best relationship with myself when I stick with structure and routine, when I adopt an internal robot of sorts that functions out of self-respect rather than mere impulsive feeling. Though a part of me felt that my partner felt suffocated by my own internally sought out structure, as I often lacked the desire to frequent diners, expensive food options, and a daily food intake that involved more than two meals per day. Through this understanding, I altered the way I treated myself. I embraced mirrors. I embraced all sorts of food, saying yes in fear of not pushing her away once again. To be frank, I have been struggling with overeating and feel deeply uncomfortable with myself. Yes, my relationship is now great, and we are living together again, but my relationship with myself is deeply struggling. What hurts the most is that this is something I value so deeply, and an insecurity that I feel at all times. With no Trader Joe’s closeby, no go-to dinner options in close proximity, I feel at odds with myself and overwhelmed by all newness. I feel obligated to clean our room, and when it is not clean all these emotions feel worse. I am struggling, I don’t feel good. I am leaving for Boston tomorrow, I will be there for a week. I am selling jewelry online, and hope to make it my full time job by the end of this year, yet I am keeping it on the dl as well. I am slowly being socially embraced by others. I experienced my first bar. The colleges I have gotten into include occidental, pratt, california college of the arts, csun, uc riverside, uc irvine, and uc santa cruz. I continue to wait, finding out about ucla, ucsb, and uc berkeley soon. I am struggling, but I am working on it. Hopefully my next update will house a bit of self-improvement and a better relationship with my internal self.

Sending my love